December 2, 2012

  • Rimshots

    I am 
    trying 
    to become 
    a human being ...

     

    "Seriously?" said my dad, "The apes did that a hundred thousand years ago.  If you want to impress people, become an aardvark or a pelican."  RIMSHOT:

     

    My dad liked to engage in savage wordplay. People hated him.

    Dad:  Did I ever tell you about Murphy's Tea?

    Me:   I GOTTA FINISH MY HOMEWORK. 
    Sis:  I AM GOING TO PUT AWAY THE DISHES. 
    Mom:  JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO CALL MILDRED.

    A tourist in Australia inquires about a place called Murphy's Restaurant. 
    "Be sure to order the Murphy Tea." 
    "What?" 
    "The food is very good, but you need to order the Murphy's Tea." 
    The man shrugs, finds the restaurant, sits down, and orders the brisket. 
    "Would you care for an order of Murphy's Tea?" says the waiter. 
    "Oh, no thanks," says the man, "Foster's will be fine." 
    Ten minutes later a different waiter asks him, "Did you want the Murphy's Tea?" 
    "I don't think so." 
    The manager soon comes to the table. "Our Murphy's Tea is very good, sir." 
    He sighs, "Fine. Bring me the damn tea and leave me alone." 
    They pour him a cup from a large pot of boiled koala.  The tea has big furry clumps in it. 
    "What is that stuff in it?  Couldn’t you at least strain the tea?” 
    “Sir,” says the manager, “the koala tea of Murphy is not strained.” 

    RIMSHOT:

     The story refers to a speech by Portia in The Merchant of Venice.  Dad assumed everyone was familiar with Shakespeare.

    The quality of mercy is not strain'd, 
    It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
    Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: 
    It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

    So much setup, so little payoff.  But it never stopped him. 

     

    Dad:  Did I ever tell you about the count who was interrogated? 

    Me:   GEE WHIZ I THINK I HEARD IT ALREADY. 
    Sis:  I AM GOING TO PUT AWAY THE DISHES. 
    Mom:  JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO CALL MILDRED.

     A resistance fighter, who was proud member of the nobility, was captured and questioned.  "This is your last chance to confess!" said the general.  The count refused.  Finally, the general ordered him beheaded.  But just as the axe was falling, the count yelled, "I'll talk, I'll talk!"  Alas it was too late.  And the moral of the story is: 

    Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. 

     

    Fucking dad. 

     

     

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