October 18, 2015

  • Your Daily Click Bait

     
    Carly Fiorina Pegs Ted Cruz in Iowa

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    DES NOINES: Senator Ted Cruz, seen limping and rubbing his backside, admitted being deeply penetrated by the ambitious woman candidate.  "It was an enormous strap-on," said Cruz.  "I just didn't see it coming."  The pegging comes on the heels of Lyndsey Graham's buggery in South Carolina and Marco Rubio's cornholimg in Florida.  Said Fiorina, "protect your rectums, boys!  I'm on a roll now.  I shall not be stopped."

     

    Putin Invades, or Doesn't Invade, Delaware

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    Gangs of men dressed in green, wearing ski masks and Russian-looking uniforms with no insignia, were recently seen shuffling around Wilmington.  Vladimir Putin denied any knowledge of them.  "Anybody can buy these stuff in costume store," he said disdainfully.  "Who are they? I not know who are they."

    An analyst from Fox News observed that many of the green men speak Russian with a true Russian, not Delaware, accent, and thus must be recent arrivals.  The separatist faction in Delaware is still only a minority.  By a poll taken within the last year, 79% of Wilmingtonians said they did not wish to be part of Russia.

    Hubit Chekokoff, the self-declared mayor of Wilmington, arrested a small group of the Delaware State Police.  The "mayor" asserted that he had proof that at least one of the officers is a "spy."  Moscow says it has played no role in the uprising, to which Putin added, "these very much correct."

     

    What is the Universe? Where did it Come From? How Do We Get Rid of It?

    SCIENCE: The Space Administration has served its purpose.  It was entertaining.  But the universe costs too damn much.  Administrators feel it is more important to reserve cost of the stars and asteroids for defense and for bolstering the job creators.

     

    Women Can Help -- by Putting Out!

    Mass killings occur every two weeks on average, and there appears to be no remedy.  Mental health checks, bans of assault weapons, and closing the gun show loophole, each will only prevent a finite number of shootings.

    What do all American mass killers have in common?  They are virgins.  They are young, white, alienated, and unlaid.  Also, they tend to post whining rants on youtube.

    Fuck these guys.  Seriously, someone needs to fuck these guys -- problem solved.  This was the thinking that led activist Nataly Loveless to form an organization named Slutbang International.  "We are looking for volunteers to find these guys in youtube and bang them," says Nataly.  "Come on, two or three quick thrusts gets them off.  Think of the lives you will be saving."