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  • scientology in the news

    This is the superbowl commercial for Scientology.  It is named "Knowledge."  Don't expect it to make sense unless you're very suggestible or naive.

     

    No, Scientology is not a childlike quest for knowledge.  But you knew that.  The organization exerts an iron control over its minions, as reported by ex-cult members who left, or even just questioned Scientology. This cult organization will, as a matter of policy: sue you, blackmail and extort you, threaten your loved ones, forbid your family from speaking to you, slash your tires, kill your pets, engage in an organized slander campaign to get you fired from your job or turn your spouse and all your friends against you, steal your passport while you are stranded in a foreign country, elaborately frame you for federal crimes including terrorism, steal the contents of your bank account, or kidnap you, imprison you in complete isolation and deny you medical care until you die in their custody.  Link

    And this is a good thing.  We need their methods.  Wait a minute, hear me out.

    ITEM: World terrorist movements are killing American diplomats. What can be done?
    ITEM: Disturbed young white men are shooting up schoolyards. What can be done?
    ITEM: Drug dealers in the southwest are beheading rival dealers. What can be done?

    Do the Chinese tolerate such disruptive behavior?  Does Vladimir Putin?

    Heck no, they have a secret police to keep things under control.

    It's very simple, really.  We start by giving the disturbed young men and dealers a free personality test.  We tell them they show promise, and judging from E-meter responses, we identify areas where they can improve.

    This is the awesome E-Meter used for auditing.  It measures GSR, or Galvanic Skin Response.  In other words, it is one-third of a polygraph machine

     

    Tell them they are now $10,000 in debt and forbidden to leave.

    This Fellow Has The Frigging Answer 
    L. Ron Hubbard Knew How To Audit Tomatoes 
    And Plenty Of Other Swell Stuff

     

    Josef Stalin could have learned a lot from this guy.

     

  • I share a birthday with Bobby Brown

    That's right, and February 5th is also the birthday of Hank Aaron, William Burroughs, Laura Linney, and Adlai Stevenson.  Ain't google great? (link)  This is pretty good company I guess ... except for Bobby Brown.

     

    Let's talk about William Burroughs.  I am allowed to do this, since it is my birthday.  He is weird and often repellent, but always funny.  You can download his books for free.  Take a day off work and spend it reading The Naked Lunch.  People will soon avoid you.

    Dr. Benway is operating in an auditorium filled with students: “Now, boys, you won’t see this operation performed very often and there’s a reason for that ... You see it has absolutely no medical value. No one knows what the purpose of it originally was or if it had a purpose at all. Personally I think it was a pure artistic creation from the beginning.

    “Just as a bull fighter with his skill and knowledge extricates himself from danger he has himself invoked, so in this operation the surgeon deliberately endangers his patient, and then, with incredible speed and celerity, rescues him from death at the last possible split second ... Did any of you ever see Dr. Tetrazzini perform? I say perform advisedly because his operations were performances. He would start by throwing a scalpel across the room into the patient and then make his entrance like a ballet dancer. His speed was incredible: ‘I don’t give them time to die,’ he would say. Tumors put him in a frenzy of rage. ‘Fucking undisciplined cells!’ he would snarl, advancing on the tumor like a knife-fighter."

     

     

     

    Finally, let's talk about the Superbowl blackout, which could only have been caused by Beyoncé's Illuminati conspiracy.  I am allowed to do this, since it is my birthday.  The conspiracy is thoroughly explained in Gawker

    The Illuminati is made up of the world's political and financial elite, and also, rappers.  Theoretically, membership rolls are kept secret, but most YouTube intellectuals agree that the following people are members:

    • Barack Obama
    • the Pope
    • Queen Elizabeth II
    • George Soros
    • Ben Bernanke
    • George W. Bush
    • Jay-Z
    • Kanye West
    • Rihanna
    • Bob Dylan
    • Beyoncé
    • Lady Gaga
    • Jim Carrey
    • Willow Smith

    But why would the Illuminati hold a Satanic ritual during the biggest television even of the year? 
    To celebrate the upcoming assassination of Whitney Houston.

    The Illuminati killed Whitney Houston? But... why? 
    For two reasons: one, to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, and two, to make room in the Illuminati for Blue Ivy Carter.

    Who else have the Illuminati killed? 
    Oh, you name it — J.F.K., 2Pac, Bob Marley, Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger's death was a ritualistic sacrifice. Aaliyah was killed by Dame Dash so he could become famous.

    Wow. That makes sense. 
    I know. And there's stuff we haven't even covered!

    See the article.

     

     

     

  • Predator Wednesday

    I was alarmed to learn that Michigan is issuing bobcat hunting licenses.  It alarmed me not because I am for or against hunting ("harvesting"), but because bobcats are really cool.

    Sometimes called wildcats, bobcats are the most common wild cat in North America.  Naturalists estimate there are as many as a million of them.  They are roughly twice as big as the average house cat.  They have long legs, large paws, and tufted ears similar to those of their cousin the Canada lynx.  The cat is named for its tail, which appears to be cut or "bobbed."

    They mainly hunt rabbits and hares.  They are also known to eat rodents, birds, bats and even adult deer, which they usually consume during the winter months.  They also may kill lambs, goats, poultry and young pigs when a ranch is near.

    Bob the bobcat taking a walk with his new friend Thumper. 
     

    Bobcats do not attack humans, and they can even be domesticated.

    You want to "harvest" this lovely furball?  Really?

     

     

  • wherein I eat

    Okay, yesterday was my long overdue shopping day.  I've been compensating with gourmand cooking.  I made an oxtail broth this morning -- it's still slow cooking -- from seared oxtails, celery, onion, carrot, pepper, clove, fennel, star anise, and chili powder. Tonight I will filter it down to a liquid, then refrigerate, then separate off the fat.  It's how I roll, baby.

    I have some catfish marinating, and soon it will be ready for batter frying.  I am drinking fresh ground Italian roast coffee and grazing on bagels with cream cheese, kiwi, apple, and strawberries.  Has anyone else tried Italian roast coffee?  It's amazing.

    Trying to eat in a blood pressure-smart way, I assembled a list of foods. There are dozens of lists on line. This list is more or less a consensus.

    banana
    blueberry
    celery
    chocolate dark
    fava bean
    fish
    flaxseed
    garlic
    grape juice
    green tea
    kale
    kiwi
    oatmeal
    onion
    spinach
    strawberry
    tangerine
    tomato
    yogurt

    It's not a bad set of ingredients to work with.  Except that I find kale unpleasant.

     

  • south asian spices

    This is a post to share my fascination with asian spices.  Did you ever wander through an Asian food store wondering what in the heck ajwain, asafoetida, and galanga were all about?  The following descriptions were collected on the internet.  In most cases I've tasted or verified them, but if you find any mistakes in the table below, you are welcome to correct me.

    SPICE ALSO CALLED DESCRIPTION
    aamchur amchoor  
    aam-papar amchoor  
    adrak ginger  
    ajmoda, ajmud green coriander  
    ajvini, ajwain carom seed  
    allspice   The dried, unripe berry of a large evergreen tree, allspice is strongly aromatic with a distinct and fascinating flavour, like cloves with a hint of cinnamon and nutmeg. Allspice is used as a marinade and as a preservative of fish and meat. 
    BOUQUET: pungent and aromatic, like a combination of nutmeg, clove, ginger and cinnamon. 
    FLAVOR: warm and sweetly pungent like the combination described above with peppery overtones. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 4
    am amchoor  
    amb halad zedoary  
    amchoor   Unripe or green mango fruits which have been sliced and sun dried, confined chiefly to Indian cookery, where it is used as an acid flavoring in curries, soups, chutneys, marinades and as a condiment. It is particularly useful as an ingredient in marinades, having the same tenderizing qualities as lemon or lime juice. Chicken and fish are enhanced by amchur and grilled fish on skewers, machli kabab, is well worth trying. 
    BOUQUET: Sour-sweet, warm and slightly resinous. 
    FLAVOR: Slightly sweet and acidic. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    anardana pomegranate seeds  
    aniseed fennel seed  
    annatto   Used for coloring confectionery, butter and cheeses. The seeds are associated with Caribbean and Filipino cuisine in dishes like ukoy, shrimp and sweet potato fritters; pipian, chicken and pork in an annatto oil sauce; and kari-kari, a brightly colored vegetable and oxtail stew. 
    BOUQUET: slightly peppery with a hint of nutmeg 
    FLAVOR: slightly sweet and peppery. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1 -2
    asafetida powder   This gum resin imparts a strong onion-garlic flavor to lentils, vegetarian soups, pickles, and fish dishes. 
    Asafetida is sold both as a resin and as a powder. The powdered form is mixed with rice flour, and therefore weaker in taste, but easier in application. The strong fetid aroma when uncooked belies the gentle garlic-like aroma it leaves behind after cooking. 
    The resin is very strongly scented and must be used with care. It should be fried in hot oil briefly to dissolve it and remove its odors. A peasized amount is sufficient to flavour a very large pot of food. 
    It is known to help digestion, prevent flatulence and release spasms and colic. Asafoetida oil has antibiotic properties. 
    BOUQUET: a pungent smell of rotting onions or sulfur. The smell dissipates with cooking. 
    FLAVOR: on its own, extremely unpleasant, like concentrated rotten garlic. When cooked, it adds an onion-like flavor. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 0
    barakalinjan greater galangal  
    barisaunf fennel  
    basil pudina Surprisingly, basil originated in the far eastern countries of India, Pakistan and Thailand. It has a warm, resinous, clove-like flavor and fragrance which work well in combination with tomatoes. The flowers and leaves are best used fresh and added only during the last few minutes of cooking. Basil doesn't keep well in the refrigerator or when dried. Instead, layer basil between sheets of waxed paper and freeze. The leaves will darken but retain their aroma and flavor.
    bay leaf tejpan Never substitute European bay leaves for Indian bay leaves - they are quite different in taste. Indian bayleaf is similar to cassia leaves. The flavour is somewhat clovey and it highly aromatic, similar to cinnamon or cloves.
    bishop's weed ajwain  
    black caraway nigella  
    black onion seed nigella  
    black salt   This fairly strong-smelling rock salt, actually pinkish-brown, is used in many of North India's snack foods, such as Chat Masala (a northern Indian spice mix sprinkled over fresh fruit).
    calonji nigella  
    cardamom, black brown cardamom  
    cardamom, brown   Some recipes call for the entire pod to be used, others call for the ground seeds. It is often included in Indian sweet dishes and drinks. At least partially because of its high price, it is seen as a ‘festive’ spice. Other uses are; in pickles, especially pickled herring; in punches and mulled wines; occasionally with meat, poultry and shellfish. 
    BOUQUET: Pungent, warm and aromatic. 
    FLAVOR: Warm and eucalyptine with camphorous and lemony undertones. Black cardamom is blunter, the eucalyptus and camphor suggestions very pronounced. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 2
    cardamom pod, green eliachi A secondary and not essential Indian spice used for its strong but very pleasing flavor. It is used to flavor curries, masala chai and certain vegetables and Indian desserts.It is best to grind small quantities at home using a coffee mill, since cardamom loses its natural oils quickly.Cardamom is an expensive spice.
    cardamom, white   Small, off-white pod the size of a pea, containing four black seeds. It is used a very small amount in Thai curries of Muslim origin. The whole pod is roasted before being broken open and the seeds used in a curry paste, but it can be left whole, bruised and then added to finish a curry. Green cardamom can be used, but it is more pungent, so reduce the quantity by 1/3. Be wary when buying -- ensure that they are not just bleached green cardamom seeds.
    carom seed ajwain These look like small caraway seeds but taste like a pungent version of thyme. Their aroma is enhanced by roasting, and they go well with potatoes, fish, lentils, and beans. In lentil dishes, carom seeds are fried in ghee until brown and aromatic, then garlic and ginger are added, finally this 'taka' is poured over the cooked lentils. 
    BOUQUET: a pungent thyme/cumin fragrance 
    FLAVOR: a harsh thyme-like flavor with a bit of a kick, leaving a milder, pleasant aftertaste 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 5
    cassia bark chinese cinnamon  
    cassia leaf salam leaf A subtly flavoured leaf of Malay and Indonesian cooking. The leaves may be used fresh or dried. They are used with meat and vegetables, and fried or cooked for a while to release their flavour.
    cayenne pepper red pepper This hot powder is made by grinding the dried red skins of several types of chilli peppers. In India, it is simply called chilli powder, though this not to be confused with the Mexican-Style chilli powder that contains cumin, garlic and oregano. Note that the fresh green chilli used in Indian cooking is also of the cayenne type.
    chilli, red   Red cillies are just ripe green chillies. Their flavour is somewhat different, although their intensity can be exactly the same. Whole dried chillies are added to Indian food through quick contact with very hot oil which enhances and intensifies the flavour of their skins. Then the chillies are stewed with the food being cooked.
    chinese cinnamon cassia Where cinnamon and cassia are differentiated, cassia is used for strong, spicy, main dishes. In many countries the two spices are used interchangeably. 
    BOUQUET: The buds have a slight aroma. the bark is sweet-spicy like cinnamon, but more pungent. 
    FLAVOR: The bark and the buds have similar flavors: warm, sweet and pungent. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    chinese parsley green coriander  
    cilantro green coriander  
    cinnamon dalchini More delicate than cassia, cinnamon is used in dessert dishes such as cakes, chocolate dishes and fruit desserts, particularly apples and pears. It is added to many Indian rice and meat dishes for its warm sweet aroma, and it is an important ingredient of Garam Masala. 
    BOUQUET: sweet and fragrant 
    FLAVOR: warm and aromatic 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    cloves lavang A small, brown, nail-shaped spice used in asia for simmering fish, poultry and meat, and as part of the spice mixture Garam Masala. Indians rarely use them in desserts. Cloves can easily overpower a dish, particularly when ground, so only a few may be needed. 
    BOUQUET: Warm, pungent and aromatic 
    FLAVOR: Sweetly pungent, astringent and strongly aromatic. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 5
    condoleezza condie A variety of Rice that is both insipid and insincere. (joke).
    coriander seed   Small straw-coloured ridged seeds with a sweet, faintly orange flavour, they go well with ham and pork, especially when orange is included. In North India, coriander, cumin and turmeric are a common trinity in hundreds of dishes. The seeds should be gently dry-roasted before grinding. Note that the flavour of freshly ground coriander is a world apart from that of stored coriander. 
    BOUQUET: Seeds are sweet and aromatic when ripe. Unripe seeds are said to have an offensive smell. 
    FLAVOR: The seeds are warm, mild and sweetish. There is a citrus undertone similar to orange peel. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    coriander, green cilantro In India, it is ground into fresh chutneys, mixed in with vegetables, featured in soups, cooked with chicken, and used as a garnish. Also called chinese parsley, green coriander, and cilantro.
    cubeb pepper   Small, red-brown irregular seeds of a cardamom-like plant used with meat, cheese and vegetable dishes. It may be substituted for pepper in patés, sausages, and gingerbreads. 
    BOUQUET: Pungent, slightly camphorous, with a touch of nutmeg 
    FLAVOR: Peppery, aromatic and slightly bitter 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    cumin seed   Used with meat, rice and vegetable dishes for its strong but very pleasing flavor. It can be fried whole in oil, or ground, or roasted and ground, or ground and then roasted, all with different results. For lentil dishes, cumin seeds are flash cooked in ghee until brown and aromatic, then garlic and ginger are added, and finally this 'taka' is poured over the cooked lentils. 
    BOUQUET: Strong, heavy and warm. A spicy-sweet aroma. 
    FLAVOR: Pungent, powerful, sharp and slightly bitter. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    cumin, black   A rarer, more expensive form of cumin, it has sweeter, smaller, and more delicate seeds. To bring out its nutty flavor, it helps to toast the seeds briefly before using them. Black cumin is preferred often to (white) cumin for masalas, meat dishes, and rice dishes such as biriyanis. 
    BOUQUET: Earthy, pungent, heavy aroma. 
    FLAVOR: A nutty, slightly bitter taste after cooking. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    cumin, white cumin  
    curcuma zerumbet zedoary  
    curry leaf   Fresh leaves are generally used. The yellow "curry powder" that is common in Western countries is actually not curry at all, but a mix of spices intended to mimic the true curry flavor. The yellow color comes from turmeric root.
    dagad phool star anise  
    dalchini cinnamon  
    devil's dung asafetida powder  
    dhanyia, dhuniah coriander seeds  
    dill sowa, suva Dill is an annual herb with leaves similar in appearance to those of fennel. Mainly used in pickling, dill should be used sparingly, as the flavor grows. The seeds mix well with chutneys, vegetable, and cheese dishes. 
    BOUQUET: aromatic and somewhat sweet 
    FLAVOR: aromatic and slightly bitter, similar to caraway 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    elaichi green cardamom  
    fennel seed aniseed Fennel seeds have an anise-like flavor. They are often dry roasted or flash fried in oil to enhance their flavour and aroma. They are used this way in the stir frying of vegetables in East India, where they are also part of panch phoran. In North and West Indian, the whole seeds are used in pickles, chutneys and snack foods. They are part of the Chinese Five Spice Powder, and can form part of Garam Masala. 
    A refreshing tea can be made by infusing these seeds in hot water. 
    BOUQUET: warm, sweet and aromatic 
    FLAVOR: similar to a mild anise 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    fenugreek   The main use of fenugreek is in curry powders, especially in Sri Lanka. It is an ingredient of Panch phoron, the Indian five-spice mixture. Flour mixed with ground fenugreek makes a spicy bread. In India the roasted ground seeds are infused for a coffee substitute or adulterant. 
    BOUQUET: Warm and penetrating, becoming more pronounced when the seeds are roasted. Ground, they give off a pungent ‘spicy’ smell. 
    FLAVOR: Powerful, aromatic and bittersweet, like burnt sugar. There is a bitter aftertaste, similar to celery or lovage. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 2
    ferula, foetida asafetida powder  
    garlic lahsun Can be used to enliven sauces, soups, long-simmered dishes, indeed, almost anything except fish recipes. Crushing, shopping, pressing and pureeing garlic releases more of its essential oils and provides a sharper, more assertive flavor. In India it is an important ingredient in many wet curries, where onion, garlic and ginger are ground into a paste and then fried in oil until dark and thick. In parts of Western India, garlic, salt and dried red chillies are pounded together to make an every day condiment.
    garndhmul zedoary  
    ghee   This is butter that has been so well clarified that it can be used for deep frying. It no longer contains milk solids, and so refrigeration is not necessary. In Indian lentil dishes, cumin, dill and ajwain seeds are fried in ghee until they're brown and aromatic, then garlic and ginger are added, and finally this 'taka' is poured over the cooked lentils. The aroma compounds of these spices dissolve much better in fat than in water.
    ginger adrak Don't substitute powdered ginger for fresh ginger - it is a completely different taste. Fresh ginger is sharp, pungent and cleansing, sometimes described as peppery, lemon like and slightly sweet, and it is a digestive as well. It is great when cut into slivers and stirfried with potatoes, green beans, spinach and other vegetables. It is also good in spice and curry pastes. 
    Store the root wrapped in kitchen paper and in plastic bags in the fridge. It will keep for up to 3 weeks and can be frozen for up to 6 months. When ginger is dry, let it soak for two hours in warm water before using it. 
    BOUQUET: warm, sweet and pungent. 
    FLAVOR: Fiery and pungent Heat Scale: 7
    gor   dried sugarcane juice
    greater galanga   A member of the ginger family, it is more sour-peppery, and its taste is sharper. The root is widely used in soups and salads. When you boil it, it's spicy. Choose young roots if you want to use galanga for salad. Its texture will be less woody, making it easier to sliver pieces suitable for a salad. Use older galanga in soups. Like ginger, galangal is a ‘de-fisher,’ and so appears frequently in fish and shellfish recipes often with garlic, ginger, chilli and lemon or tamarind. Its flavor is strong, so use it sparingly. 
    BOUQUET: Gingery and camphorous 
    FLAVOR: Pungent but less so than lesser galangal. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 5
    green mango powder amchoor  
    habasoda nigella  
    halba fenugreek  
    haldi turmeric  
    hara dhania green coriander  
    heeng, hing asafetida powder  
    huldee turmeric  
    ilaichi eliachi  
    imguva asafetida powder  
    imli tamarind  
    Indian parsley green coriander  
    jaggery   palm sugar
    jaffatry mace  
    jaiphal nutmeg  
    jaivitri, javatri mace  
    javane carom seed  
    jawatrie mace  
    jeera, jeeragam cumin  
    jilakara cumin  
    kabab cheene allspice  
    kadipatha curry leaf  
    kaffir lime leaves   Grown in Southeast Asia, these highly aromatic leaves are distinctively Thai; no thai green curry would be complete without their unique, citrus flavor. They can be used fresh or dried.
    kala eliachi brown cardamom  
    kala jeera black cumin seeds  
    kala namak black salt  
    kali mirch black pepper  
    kalonji nigella  
    kardai safflower seeds  
    kas-kas white poppy seed  
    kesar saffron  
    ketza nigella  
    khesa saffron  
    khuskhus poppy seeds  
    kokam   Has the same souring qualities as tamarind, especially enhancing coconut-based curries or vegetable dishes like potatoes, okra or lentils. Kokum is especially used with fish curries, three or four skins being enough to season an average dish. When Kokum is used in a dish it is rarely eaten; it is left either in the pan or in the serving dish. 
    BOUQUET: a slightly sweet and sour aroma. 
    FLAVOR: a refreshing sour taste, slightly astringent, sometimes a bit salty. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    kothimbir, kotimli coriander seed  
    krishnajiraka nigella  
    kulanjan greater galangal  
    kusumbha safflower seeds  
    lahsun garlic  
    lal mirch red chilli  
    latkhan annatto  
    laung, lavang cloves  
    lemon grass   Yellow-green in colour and resembling large fat spring onions, this intensely fragrant herb is used to impart a lemony citrus flavour to soups, seafood and meat dishes, spice pastes (including curry pastes), stir-fries, teas, and desserts. It harmonizes well with coconut milk, especially with chicken or seafood, and countless Thai and Sri Lankan recipes exploit the combination. 
    Use only the tender bottom most portions, about 15 - 20 cms of stalk, chop finely and crush in your mortar and pestle to break up the fibres and assist the lemongrass in cooking sufficiently. Dried lemon grass needs to soak in water for half an hour before use. 
    BOUQUET: lemony 
    FLAVOR: lemony with hints of ginger 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    mace   Mace is the aril (the bright red, lacy covering) of the nutmeg seed shell. It works especially well with milk dishes like custards and cream sauces. Adding some to mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes creates a more interesting side dish. 
    BOUQUET: sweet and fragrant, similar to nutmeg, but stronger. 
    FLAVOR: warm. sharp and aromatic, more intense and slightly sweeter than nutmeg 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    madhurika fennel  
    methi, mayti fenugreek  
    mirchi peppers  
    mustard seed peeli sarson This is the yellow mustard familiar to Europeans. The whole white mustard seeds are used in pickling spice and in spice mixtures for cooking meats and seafood. 
    FLAVOR: Sharp and fiery. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3-8
    mustard seed, black   Slightly larger and slightly stronger than the brown mustard seeds, and with a brownish-black colour. They have little fragrance, but they have a pungent taste after chewing and a nutty odour after roasting. In India it is used as a spice and oil plant. Bengalis use black mustard seeds in panch phoran, and in South India it is used in cambaar podi. South Indians fry or roast the seeds until grey before use and this changes their character to a nutty taste. As black mustard seeds pungency is destroyed by other methods of cooking, it is added as late as possible to any dishes. 
    SUBSTITUTES: brown mustard seeds (very close) OR yellow mustard seeds 
    NOTE: Mustard oil contains toxic isothiocyanates, and so must be strongly heated until smoking immediately before frying any food in it. NEVER use it for salads.
    mustard seed, brown   Of the three varieties of mustard seeds, the reddish-brown brown mustard seed has been grown in India since antiquity. Although they are often referred to as black, brown mustard seeds are a different variety, somewhat smaller and milder than the black ones. And they are smaller and hotter than the yellow mustard seeds that most western cooks are familiar with. 
    SUBSTITUTES: black mustard seeds (very close) or yellow mustard seeds
    nagkesar cinnamon  
    nakeshwar cobra saffron  
    nigella kalonji These are deep black, tear-shaped sharp-cornered seeds with little odour except oregano-like when ground or chewed, and with an aromatic and slightly bitter taste, somewhat smoky. Most Indians associate these seeds with tandoor oven breads where they are sprinkled over the top, with vegetable dishes such as aubergine or pumpkin, with pickles, Bengali food, the Bengali 5-spice mix, panch phoran and with various North Indian vegetarian dishes. They are also used in mildly braised lamb dishes such as korma. Nigella should be dry roasted before use to enhance the flavour. 
    BOUQUET: The seeds have little bouquet, though when they are rubbed they give off an aroma reminiscent of oregano. 
    FLAVOR: Slightly bitter and peppery with a crunchy texture. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    nutmeg   Both nutmeg and mace are often used in making Garam Masala. Indians almost never use nutmeg for desserts and drinks, unlike in the Western world. A nutmeg grates easily. Just hit it lightly with a hammer to get the third of a nutmeg needed for Garam Masala. Grate a nutmeg just before using, as the powdered form quickly loses its fragrance. 
    BOUQUET: sweet, aromatic and nutty 
    FLAVOR: Warm, sweetish, and slightly camphorous 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    paprika   Made from the ground flesh of the capsicum annuum (i.e. any type of chile pepper), its color ranges from burnt orange to deep red. The standard grocery store variety's taste is generally mild, although hotter varieties are available.
    peeli sarson mustard  
    pepper, black   Ground pepper was once used in large amounts, sometimes several tablespoons in a single dish, especially in South India where it originated. The arrival of the chilli pepper from the New World in around 1500 changed that usage somewhat, though it still exists. In some South Indian dishes, peppercorns are lightly roasted before use to draw out their lemony taste. Whole peppercorns may be added to rice and meat dishes for a mild peppery-lemony flavour.
    pepper, white   White peppercorns are made by macerating peppercorns to remove the outer skin before drying.
    podina   field mint
    pomegranate seeds   Bits of pomegranate pulp remain on the seeds as they dry, so they're a bit sticky. They are used mainly in Punjabi cooking to give a sourness to food. They are sometimes crushed and ground before use in a mortar and pestle.
    poppy seed, white   Indian cooks use these as a thickener in their curries and as a filling in baked goods. 
    SUBSTITUTES: poppy seeds (black)
    post dana poppy seeds  
    pudina basil  
    punnagchampa greater galangal  
    rai mustard seeds  
    royal cumin seeds black cumin seeds  
    safflower seeds   A common use of Safflower is in adulterating Saffron. The seeds yield an oil much used in India for burning and for culinary purposes.
    saffron   Very expensive because of the short harvest season (10 days per year!) and intensive labor needed for harvest. Its most common function is to color rice yellow, as in festive Indian pilaus and risotto Milanese. 
    BOUQUET: Strongly perfumed, with an aroma of honey 
    FLAVOR: A pungent bitter-honey taste 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 0
    salam leaf cassia leaf  
    saunf fennel seed  
    seetful allspice  
    sendri annatto  
    sesame   The seeds toasted, or toasted and ground, give out a wonderful aroma and flavour. They can be toasted by placing in an ungreased pan over low heat, shaking the pan frequently until seeds turn golden and begin to pop. Ground sesame, or tahini, is widely used throughout the Middle East. 
    Black sesame appears frequently in Chinese, Japanese and Korean dishes where meat or fish is rolled in the seeds before cooking for a crunchy coating. 
    BOUQUET: Nutty and earthy 
    FLAVOR: Nutty 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 0
    shahi jeera black cumin seeds  
    sont ginger  
    soonf fennel seed  
    sowa, suva dill  
    star anise   Its taste is somewhat like anise, but stronger, warm, sweet and aromatic. It is used in curry and masala powders and pastes, as well as meat and poultry dishes, combining especially well with pork and duck. In Chinese red cooking, where the ingredients are simmered for a lengthy period in dark soy sauce, star anise is nearly always added to beef and chicken dishes. 
    BOUQUET: Powerful and liquorice-like, more pungent and stronger than anise. 
    FLAVOR: Evocative of a bitter aniseed, of which flavor star anise is a harsher version. Nevertheless, the use of star anise ensures an authentic touch in the preparation of certain Chinese dishes. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    szechuan pepper   Not true peppers, the Szechwan peppercorns are small, reddish-brown berries which grow on a shrubby tree, and not on a vine. The taste is subtle -- clean, woody and slightly numbing to the tongue, with a lingering, fizzy aftertaste, and quite different from the sharpness of pepper or chilli. Their aroma is pleasingly pungent. Dry roasting in a pan brings out their flavour and makes them easy to grind.
    tamarind   A dark, sour, fleshy pulp, which adds a pungent, lemony sourness to many dishes, particularly in south Indian and Gujarati lentil dishes, curries, and chutneys, where its flavor is more authentic than vinegar or lemon juice. It may be used to flavor pulse dishes, rice dishes, or as an ingredient in sauces and side dishes for pork, fowl and fish. 
    BOUQUET: a slightly fruity aroma. 
    FLAVOR: a refreshing sour taste 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 1
    tejpan, tej patta bay leaf  
    til sesame  
    tulsi basil  
    turmeric   This is the underground stem of a ginger-like plant which, when ground to a musky yellow powder, gives some Indian and Thai dishes a yellowish cast. It is used in many fish curries, possibly because it successfully masks fishy odors. 
    BOUQUET: Earthy and slightly acrid. 
    FLAVOR: Warm and aromatic with a bitter undertone. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 3
    umchoor amchoor  
    zafran saffron  
    zedoary   A root whose smell is similar to turmeric and mango. There are two types of zedoary sold in Indian markets - Curcuma zedoaria or ‘round’ which is small and fat like ginger, and Curcuma zerumbet, or ‘long’ which is long and slender like turmeric.In India, zedoary is usually used fresh or pickled. 
    BOUQUET: musky a gingerlike with camphorous undertones 
    FLAVOR: warm and ginger-like, slightly camphorous, with a bitter aftertaste. 
    HOTNESS SCALE: 4

     

    A masala is a mixture of many spices and herbs, used extensively in Indian cooking. For centuries masalas have been added to flavor Indian food. The aroma of the masala makes the Indian food hot, spicy and tempting. There are many recipes on line ( LINK )

    Garam Masala Ingredients:

    3 tblsp grated Coconut (Nariyal)
    1 tblsp Sesame seeds (Til)
    2 tblsp Mustard seeds (Rai/Sarson)
    1/4th tsp Saffron (Kesar) threads
    1/4th cup green Pepper corns (Kalimirchi)
    1/4th cup White Pepper corns
    2/3rd cup Green bruised Cardamom (Elaichi) pods
    3/4th cup Cumin Seed (Jeera)
    1/4th cup ground Nutmeg (Jaiphal)

    How to make garam masala:

    • Roast all ingredients in a dry pan (preferably non-stick) and heat over a very low fire, shaking the pan time to time.
    • When the spices give off the fragrance allow to cool slightly.
    • Then grind finely in an electric grinder.
    • If electric grinder is not available, grind by hand and press through a fine sieve afterwards.
    • Store it in an airtight container for up to 3 months.
    • Make sure you always close the lid tightly after use. 

     

    What is your favorite masala?

     

  • Fun without cable

    Comcast tried to scam me, and I had to let them go.  (You don't want to know.)  But I have Hulu, and Hulu is better.  I found these terrific international TV series.  Make yourself a large bowl of popcorn and binge them.

    (If you don't get hulu.com, you might try googling the name of the show.  Many are available on the internet in their original venue.)

     

    Australia:  The Straits 
    This is a kind of multicultural "Sopranos."  The Montebello clan runs drugs from Papua New Guinea to the northern tip of Australia across the shipwreck-dotted Torres Strait.  The extended family’s ethnic makeup encompasses Pacific Islander, Native Australian, Middle Eastern and white. 

     

    Sweden:  Verdict Revised 
    (with subtitles)  Markus Haglund, 43, is a charismatic and brilliant legal mind, but a tormented guy.  As a lawyer, he became a household name ten years ago when he got an alleged murderer acquitted.  Now he is a professor of law and director of a kind of Swedish Innocence Project.  He drinks.  He is abrasive.  He is great fun. 

     

    Canada:  Regenesis 
    ReGenesis revolves around a fictional biotechnology organization with a lab based in Toronto.  The organization, NorBAC, is headed by David Sandström, the chief scientist and molecular biologist.  Through this character the show addresses topical social, political and ethical issues related to the science at hand. 

     

    UK:  Fresh Meat 
    The plot revolves around the lives of six students who are freshers (with the exception of Howard) at the fictional Manchester Medlock University, Manchester.  They live in a shared house off-campus in Rusholme rather than university halls of residence.  For me this is great entertainment, maybe because I am not too mature.  They get drunk and get laid a lot. 
     
     
     
     
    Australia:  Slide 
    Another horny teen drama, the lives and exploits of five teenagers making their way into adulthood in the city of Brisbane.  The stories are funny with plenty of unexpected twists. 
     
     
    USA:  Outer Limits 
    There is nothing wrong with your television.  Do not attempt to adjust the picture.  We are now controlling the transmission.  We control the horizontal and the vertical.  We now control your ass . . .  The 1995 series is better than you remember.  The writing, production, and acting are extraordinary. 
     
     

    Korea:  IRIS 
    (with subtitles) Award winning espionage series from 2009 with a budget in excess of $17 million.  There are James Bond type themes in disguises, suspense, and hi tech gadgets.  Two friends find their loyalties tested and forge new alliances, in a journey that takes them from their home country to Hungary, Japan, and China where they find themselves at the center of an international conspiracy. 

    Australia:  Laid 
    Roo McVie appears to have a lethal vagina.  Her former lovers start dying in strange and unexpected circumstances.  With EJ, her best friend and flatmate, Roo embarks on a quest to find a pattern and stop the trail of deaths.  Awkward and morbid and you can't help laughing. 
     

    Have you seen them?  (this is your perfunctory question)
     

  • The End

    sigh

     

  • didn't he ramble ramble

    I haven't written for a while, and now the end of the world is looming.  Scheiße.  To be honest, I am running out of things to say.  Each time I review my past blog posts I wonder how I can possibly match them.  But I have to try.  My college friend Danielle advised me,

    If you have any hope of turning your bons mots into great literature, you will have to become more expansive.

    I assuredly do not hope to transform my mots into great literature, Danielle.  I do hope, let us be clear, that I will not turn my mots into literature of any sort, be they mauvaises mots or bons mots.  As an editor, you are accustomed to meeting the nascent Hemingway types, right?  They have notes for the Great American Novel and the talent to write it.  I am not that guy.

    But Danielle, as a reporter, editor, and teacher, you are that guy.

    A year after this exchange, she had some great news to share.

    I have written my first novel, and it’s not in the form of blogs or footnotes.  You are in it. So is Qatar.  So is almost everybody I've ever known.  I wrote down everything I remember, and now it’s time to rewrite it as fiction—plus find an ending for it.  Writing it was a tremendous learning experience, something I should have done long before trying to teach writing to other people.  I discovered it’s a lot more fun to invent than to write a memoir.

    Hooray, I can't wait.  When it is published -- if the world doesn't end first -- I will let you know what it is called and how to obtain it.  But I am rambling. 

    And didn't he ramble, ramble,
    He rambled all around, in and out of town,
    And didn't he ramble, ramble,
    He rambled till the butcher cut him down.

    The English folk song is about a rambling ram.  Louis Armstrong's version of the same song is about a womanizing scoundrel. 

     

    You see,  I have never been instructed in the subject of composition.  I did once work for an Education outfit that graded high school and middle school standardized tests in writing and math.  In my first assignment, 2006, I graded essays in something called the New Jersey Grade Eight Assessment Test.  I learned a lot about composition from reading the essays. 

    Little did I know when I accepted the assignment among those seemingly normal employees, that . . . (Ha ha, the construction is known as foreshadowing.  It's a neat way to tie a story together.  Now you can use it in your own fiction.) 

    The "readers" (my job title) were not required to have any special training except for a four-year degree and the ability to write a coherent essay in an hour.  We received a good deal of on-the-job training specific to each test.  We had to practice and evaluate each test's "rubric." 

    For the eighth grade essays, the students were presented with a photograph and a prompt, something like: "Every picture tells a story. Use this photograph to create your own story that includes descriptions and a plot."  That is not exactly what the prompt said, but you get the gist.  In the photograph is an elegant red-carpeted hallway with busts, portraits, US and state flags, and tall oak doors.  There is a toddler walking alone in the hallway. 

    Most of the young essayists placed the story in the White House.  I am reproducing their clever essays to the best of my memory. 

    a) George Bush, under the burden of history, wishes that time would stop, giving him relief from daily responsibilities (yes, an eighth grader came up with this). He walks downstairs and – kazart – everyone is immobile, frozen in time. He walks across the street to a McDonalds, takes a couple of cheeseburgers, and doesn’t have to pay. He travels to other countries and punches foreign leaders in the face, and nobody stops him! Finally, after a couple of weeks of walking around in his underwear all day, he runs out of fresh food and fresh conversation, but soon history obligingly is re-animated, announcing its start by the cry of his baby nephew.

     

    b) George Bush, in a low approval rating, keeps a diary of the difficulties of the presidency. His chief of security is named Ben Dover. Ben’s wife is named Eileen. Anyway, one day there is a security breach within the white house. This turns out to be harmless. A toddler somehow wanders into one of the hallways and is apprehended. Before the Secret Service turns him over to child services, he is heard to shout, “I love you!” And George Bush writes, “At least somebody likes me.”

     

    c) A fellow grows up with an unusual disability. He falls down backwards every time he hears the words “Margaret Thatcher.” He meets a lady with a similar infirmity. She falls down whenever she hears the words “Ronald Reagan.” They meet and fall in love and have a child. Unfortunately, the kid is rebellious, and soon discovers he can get his way by shouting, “Ronald Reagan Maggie Thatcher Ronald Reagan Maggie Thatcher!” The man and woman eventually must separate themselves from the child. They simply move to Idaho. They live happily ever after.

     

    d) Domestic setting, a mother and a child. She shows a deep love and delight in the little tot, and she glows when she hears him say his first words. The first words are, “Be silent, ignorant earth woman. I am the spearhead of an invasion from Pluto, and you shall be my servant.” And after a struggle, the Pluto baby and his legions succeed in conquering planet earth.

     

     

    Happy Mayan Apocalypse Everybody! 

     
     

  • holiday giveaway

    I am giving away the following handles free of charge.  You may take any of them with my blessing.  As far as I know they are not already in use.

    This is in partial answer to @LKJSlain's challenge.  There is certain amount of history in the explanation of my handle.  I am politely ignoring her other questions, but --

    Starting in the late 1990s I visited a site instantchess.com.  The site allowed you to play twenty chess games for free, then you had to sign up.  I soon discovered I could get around the rule by changing my handle, and in this way I got unlimited free games.  I'm a cheap bastard.  The opponents were from Germany, Russia, Italy, Japan, USA, Cuba, everywhere.  It was great.

    So I carried around a notebook and jotted new handles as they occurred to me.  Of course, "we deny everything" was one of them.  Here are the rest.  Merry Christmas. 

    10000 bastaards! 
    a dead rat or something 
    a legend in his own mind 
    aint no thang 
    ALEXANDER THE ADEQUATE 
    Alfredo Pesto 
    Alfredo Primavera 
    Alfredo Tortellini 
    alleged perpetrator 
    alleybone 
    alone with your mom 
    angst in the pants 
    at least mildly unhinged 
    babysnakes 
    Basil Dillweed 
    bombarded by neutrinos 
    boutros boutros-boutros 
    brain salad surgery 
    buster hymen 
    chickenhead earl 
    children of the corn hole 
    clueless joe jackson 
    COMMUNiST PiGFU6KER 
    Connor Lingus 
    creosote sandwich 
    diddy-wah-diddy 
    dimebone junior 
    disorganized crime 
    ear hair kahuna 
    easy rhino 
    evolution gone bad 
    expelled from scientology 
    Fakie McTwist 
    fully blown clone (FBC) 
    fun on a bun    		 globilization gone bad 
    Great Gugamuga 
    half-man, half-republican 
    Harrrummph 
    hobgoblin of little minds 
    holograph denier 
    hophead 
    hufferbone 
    hunka hunka burnin' love 
    I am a camel :: hump me!! 
    i shags ur seester 
    I suspect foul play 
    ibn faarten 
    I'm too sexy for my posts 
    Infidel Castro 
    internet loiterer 
    johnny no stars 
    karl rove's husband 
    like totally rad dude 
    Mark Foley turns the page 
    Max Grody 
    M'Balz Es-Hari 
    Mister Language Person 
    mom says I'm special 
    motherless goat 
    MUTATE OR DIE 
    naked women screaming 
    no data 
    No True Bill 
    no turn-on red 
    nothing daunted 
    Now -- even cheesier! 
    Once more into the breech 
    pants 
    perfumed parlor snake    		 Princess Bob 
    rec ent headd in jruy 
    red hot doodley squat 
    rod the impaler 
    rogue mammographer 
    roving criminal gangs 
    scrote 
    seymour butz 
    seymour kuntz 
    skanks on a plane 
    slap yo mama 
    spongiform squarepants 
    stephen hawking spitting 
    Suinganamis E Strukimout 
    the conspiracy 
    the cornhole bandit 
    The Duke of Mook 
    the horse you rode in on 
    the prince of dorkness 
    the retched of the earth 
    Them 
    There is no i in teim 
    turn your head and cough 
    uncle bounder 
    uncle piehole 
    uncle scrote 
    Unfair Dinkum 
    von Dipschitz 
    vulgar lilac cult (VLC) 
    whizzer bob 
    who's your fodder? 
    your probation officer 
    your village called 
    yu-shat pu 
    zipperhead junior

     

    Finally, for the playas among us, here is a sample game.

    [White "trader - Germany"]
    [Black "yu-shat pu"]
    [Event "InstantChess"]
    [WhiteElo "1774"]
    [Result "0-1"]

    1.e4 e6 2.f4 d5 3.e5 Ne7 4.Nf3 c5 5.c3 Nbc6 6.d4 Nf5 7.Bb5 Bd7 8.Bxc6 Bxc6 9.O-O h5 10.a3 Qb6 11.dxc5 Bxc5+ 12.Kh1 h4 13.Ng5 O-O-O 14.b4 Ng3+ 15.hxg3 hxg3+ 16.Nh3 d4 17.bxc5 Rxh3+ 18.Kg1 Qxc5 19.Qd2 Rh2 20.Rf3 dxc3+ 21.Qe3 Rd1+ 22.Rf1 Rxg2+ 23.Kh1 Rxf1+ 0-1

     

     

  • Rimshots

    I am 
    trying 
    to become 
    a human being ...

     

    "Seriously?" said my dad, "The apes did that a hundred thousand years ago.  If you want to impress people, become an aardvark or a pelican."  RIMSHOT:

     

    My dad liked to engage in savage wordplay. People hated him.

    Dad:  Did I ever tell you about Murphy's Tea?

    Me:   I GOTTA FINISH MY HOMEWORK. 
    Sis:  I AM GOING TO PUT AWAY THE DISHES. 
    Mom:  JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO CALL MILDRED.

    A tourist in Australia inquires about a place called Murphy's Restaurant. 
    "Be sure to order the Murphy Tea." 
    "What?" 
    "The food is very good, but you need to order the Murphy's Tea." 
    The man shrugs, finds the restaurant, sits down, and orders the brisket. 
    "Would you care for an order of Murphy's Tea?" says the waiter. 
    "Oh, no thanks," says the man, "Foster's will be fine." 
    Ten minutes later a different waiter asks him, "Did you want the Murphy's Tea?" 
    "I don't think so." 
    The manager soon comes to the table. "Our Murphy's Tea is very good, sir." 
    He sighs, "Fine. Bring me the damn tea and leave me alone." 
    They pour him a cup from a large pot of boiled koala.  The tea has big furry clumps in it. 
    "What is that stuff in it?  Couldn’t you at least strain the tea?” 
    “Sir,” says the manager, “the koala tea of Murphy is not strained.” 

    RIMSHOT:

     The story refers to a speech by Portia in The Merchant of Venice.  Dad assumed everyone was familiar with Shakespeare.

    The quality of mercy is not strain'd, 
    It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven 
    Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: 
    It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

    So much setup, so little payoff.  But it never stopped him. 

     

    Dad:  Did I ever tell you about the count who was interrogated? 

    Me:   GEE WHIZ I THINK I HEARD IT ALREADY. 
    Sis:  I AM GOING TO PUT AWAY THE DISHES. 
    Mom:  JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO CALL MILDRED.

     A resistance fighter, who was proud member of the nobility, was captured and questioned.  "This is your last chance to confess!" said the general.  The count refused.  Finally, the general ordered him beheaded.  But just as the axe was falling, the count yelled, "I'll talk, I'll talk!"  Alas it was too late.  And the moral of the story is: 

    Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. 

     

    Fucking dad.