I.

Heads are spinning.

Media heads are spinning.

This is going to be

so much fun.

II.

Right winging,

bitter clinging,

proud clingers

of

our guns,

our god,

and our religions,

and our Constitution.

III.

These are unifying values,

from big cities

and tiny towns,

from big mountain states

and The Big Apple.

IV.

You hard working Iowa families.

You farm families,

and teachers,

and teamsters,

and cops,

and cooks!

You rock ‘n’ rollers,

and holy rollers,

all of you who work so hard.

You full-time moms,

you with the hands that rock the cradle,

you all make the world go round.

And now our cause is one.

Fin.

---

The poet is also known as Mama Grizzly. See this video for more explanations.

 

We don't see Dave Barry columns often enough these days.  Fortunately Dave Barry’s 2015 Year in Review is available now, and it is a very fine essay - LINK

Here is a sample -

NOVEMBER is not just a time for fear: It is also a time, as Thanksgiving ushers in the holiday season, for all Americans, regardless of ethnicity, religion or political views, to be deeply offended. Nobody is more offended than college students, who stage a series of protests over the racism, sexism, fascism, heteronormism and — trigger warning — insensitive Halloween costumes that constitute the festering hellhole of hurtful things that is the modern American college campus and THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

 

 

 
While the media continues to indulge Donald Trump's dangerous Islamophobia, people like UK soldier Chris Herbert are on social media, dropping real truth.  Herbert wrote a Facebook post to shut down the prejudiced people who assume that he is prejudiced, and now that post has gone viral.  He makes a great argument against generalizations by sharing some generalizations of his own. ( LINK )

Yes. A Muslim man blew me up, and I lost my leg.

• A Muslim man also lost his arm that day wearing a British Uniform.
• A Muslim medic was in the helicopter that took me from the field
• A Muslim surgeon performed the surgery that saved my life
• A Muslim Nurse was part of the team that helped me when I returned to the UK
• A Muslim Healthcare Assistant was part of the team that sorted out my day to day needs in rehabilitation when I was learning to walk
• A Muslim taxi driver gave me a free ride the first time I went for a beer with my Dad after I came home.
• A Muslim doctor offered my Dad comfort and advice in a pub, when he didnt know how to deal with my medicines and side effects.

Contrary to that,

• A white brit spat in my girlfriends face for 'fucking a cripple when you could have me [him]'
• A White brit pushed my wheelchair away from a lift so he could use it first.
• A White brit screamed at my Dad for parking in a disabled bay when I was in the services coming home

(Although, alot of people helped in my recovery! I dont hate white brits either! hahaha)

Point is, fuck off.  I know who I dislike, and I know who I dont.  I know who I appreciate, and I know who I dont.  If you want to hate an entire race of men and women for the actions of a few dickheads feel free, but don't push your views on me, thinking I am an easy target because one douchebag decided it was my day to die.  Blaming all Muslims for the actions of groups like Daeshe and the Taliban, is like blaming all Christians for the actions of the KKK or Westboro Baptist Church.

Get a grip of your lives, hug your family and get back to work.

Express Yourself Concisely

• Eliminate redundant pairs
• Delete unnecessary qualifiers
• Identify and reduce prepositional phrases
• Locate and delete unnecessary modifiers
• Replace a phrase with a word
• Identify negatives and change them to affirmatives

Mark Twain knew something about writing.  He also WROTE a good deal about writing.

"With a hundred words to do it with, the literary artisan could catch that airy thought and tie it down and reduce it to a . . . cabbage, but the artist does it with twenty, and the result is a flower."

 

---

 
INCORRECT:
Donald Trump has long been regarded as a political meatball, moreover, it is said that his high-volume speeches are delivered, even shouted, in a feral manner.  Mr. Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
CORRECT:
Feral shouting meatball Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BETTER:
Raccoon-eyed screaming rubber chicken Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BETTER:
Orange wolverine-shaped hot air balloon Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BETTER:
Bizarrely coiffed orange pseudo-Scot Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BETTER:
Self-righteous misguided delusional egomaniacal asshole Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BETTER:
Rich douchebag with cheetos hair style soon to be killed by a drug lord he claimed to be able to kick the shit out of Donald Trump announced the publication of his new book today.

 
BEST:
Gelatinous cartoon slumlord and narcissistic vulgarian, who took a massive dump on the electoral process, Donald Trump, announced the publication of his new book today.

 

WHERE CAN I FIND THESE DESCRIPTIONS?

The adjectival phrases have become more or less standard in comedy sites such as Buzzfeed, Urbandictionary, Comedy central, gallery of the absurd, and twitter. The first entry, "feral shouting meatball," is due to Chris Hardwick in @Midnight.  Hardwick is also responsible for:

Jingoistic bullfrog Donald Trump
Luminous marmoset Donald Trump
Constipated cheeto Donald Trump
The angriest pumpkin Donald Trump
Orange yelling machine Donald Trump
Fancy deli meat scupture Donald Trump
The larval stage of a yam Donald Trump
The magnificent orange one Donald Trump
Narcissistic human airhorn Donald Trump
Tangerine covered in cobwebs Donald Trump
Living Donald Trump caricature Donald Trump
The douchebag infested hairpiece Donald Trump
corn husk doll cursed by a witch Donald Trump
Dissonant bagpipe powered by farts Donald Trump
Orange condom filled with rancid stew Donald Trump
New Jersey shore ventrilloquist dummy Donald Trump
America’s No. 1 racist Donald Trump fan Donald Trump
The tweeting hole not to be confused with Donald Trump
Residential candidate and cranky planetoid Donald Trump
As big as an orangutan and casino mismanager Donald Trump
Xenophobic sweet potato and wispy human queef Donald Trump
Tangelo fruit rollup stretched over cat litter Donald Trump
Shrieking buffalo wing that fell into a urinal Donald Trump
Hotel magnate and bloated jack-o-lantern in a suit Donald Trump
(See the video compilation)

Finally, Jon Stewart remarks,
"They’re all very colorful characters, but for me there can be only one F*ckface von Clownstick.".
 

 
 

"We need to look at fresh ideas.  I don’t have any problem with the Palestinians having a state, but does it need to be within the confines of Israeli territory?  Is that necessary, or can you sort of slip that area down into Egypt?"

"He doesn't stand behind his comments on sliding Palestine down into Egypt," a Carson spokesperson told ABC News. "After all, what would you do with Egypt?  You can't just slip it down into Botswana, since the mountain gorillas would go extinct.  It was a mistake on his part and he clearly wasn't really thinking it through."

"Obamacare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. In a way, it is slavery, because it is making all of us subservient to the government.”

"He does not believe the Affordable Care Act is anything like slavery," a Carson spokesperson told ABC News. "He was rather thinking of Sarah Palin, whose pregnant children are now all subservient to the government."

How do I get a job like that?

This year a Canadian whiskey was awarded the title Best in the World in Jim Murray's Whiskey Bible (Link to article in cbc.ca).  The winning Whiskey is named Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye. "To say this is a masterpiece is barely doing it justice," Murray said in a news release, adding that it takes rye to "new heights of beauty and complexity."

The Scots are not happy.

Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye
Nose: Baked apple, Cereal, Light wood spices
Palate: Custard creaminess, Candy sweetness, Oak spice, Vanilla
Aftertaste: Smooth and creamy
90% rye whisky, 90 Proof, Price: $27.95

You can pay a lot more if you like.  There are aged scotches in Ireland and Japan priced at $2,000 or more.  But they're not the Best in the World.

Here are the five best in 2016 according to Murray:

1. ​Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye (Canada) - $27.95 a bottle
2. Pikesville Straight Rye (USA) - $35.63 a bottle
3. Midleton Dair Ghaelach (Ireland) - $282.49 a bottle
4. William Larue Weller Bourbon (USA) - $46.09 a bottle
5. Suntory Yamazaki Mizunara (Japan) - $54.47 a bottle

Who is this Murray guy?  And what is this Bible about?  According to amazon.com -- which could never be accused of bias --

Jim Murray is a legend and a leading player on the world's whisky stage. In his continuous thirst for knowledge and desire to stay at the very top of his subject, he has almost certainly visited more distilleries and tasted a higher number of different whiskies than anyone that has ever lived. The Whisky Bible is unrivalled in its authority and is an invaluable source of reference to the consumer, the whisky industry and the drinks trade alike. It has now sold over more than a third of a million copies worldwide.

I plan to try it as soon as possible.  I am guessing it will be sold out in local stores for a while.

---

Edit: I found the Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye in my local supermarket.  World's best whiskey?  It's pretty good, but well ... it's not great.  You might call it a sipping whiskey.  One small mouthful is aromatic, and the flavor stays with you for several minutes.

 

The Paris attack, says John Oliver,

was carried out by gigantic fucking assholes.  Unconscionable flaming assholes, possibly working with other fucking assholes, definitely working in service of an ideology of pure assholery.  Second, and this goes almost without saying, fuck these assholes. Fuck them, if I may say, sideways.  And third, it is important to remember, nothing about what these assholes are trying to do is going to work.  France is going to endure.

La France c'est le pays le plus civilisé du monde.

I know something about France.  You know something about France.  Challenging France to a culture war is a losing proposition.  They have the best food, right?  The best literature, best fashion, best wine, best language, best philosophy.  Ask any Frenchman.  You will not win a culture war with France.

 
I will add that I feel rather lucky that I do not live in New York or DC.

 

It is not enough to say this guy is revolting. He is that, yes, but he is also pristine. There is a terrible perfection in his girlish shrieking. I've never seen anything like it. I hate to admit it, but I wanna repent right now. I wanna convert! I wanna dance the jesus minuet naked with him in the pale moonlight. Oh yeah.

Pastor Kevin Swanson became a player in the Republican nomination pageant when he introduced Ted Cruz, Huckabee, and Jindal in the National Religious Liberties Conference in Des Moines, just before the last debate. Interviewed later, the candidates all said they did not know the pastor's message. They did not know, for example, that Swanson is deliriously anti-gay.

At the entrance of the church I’d sit in cow manure and I’d spread it all over my body. That’s what I would do. And I’m not kidding. I’m not laughing. I’m grieving! I’m mourning! I’m pointing out the problem! It’s not a gay time! These are the people with the sores! The gaping sores!

That is not a nice thing to do! Don’t you dare carve happy faces on open, pus-y sores! Don’t you ever do that! Don’t you ever do that! I tell you don’t do it! America needs to hear the message. We are messed up.

You can't make this stuff up.

Science Finds New Uses For Old People
They're slow.  They're useless.  They drive with their blinker on for hours.  Caution is recommended because they possess a superpower known as Blab Attack, although it is easily combated by socking them in the jaw.  Old people do have a sense of humor, but only after you explain the joke to them in painstaking detail, by which time they've already nodded off or started ranting about Hillary's emails.

Obama To Be Deported By Obama
"We are the only developed country," says President Obama, "that allows its citizens to own assault weapons.  We sanction capital punishment.  We lack a universal health care.  The price of a college education is too high for our young people.  Things are more civilized in Denmark."
With this remark, Obama took the hint and bought a plane ticket to Denmark for himself, his family, Bernie Sanders, and the other Democratic candidates.

Hordes of Wet Lesbos Overrun Greek Island
From Syria, by way of Turkey, mobs of butch bagel bangers and carpet munchers arrive in tiny dykey boats with their insatiable yearning to bump donuts.  Makeshift refugee camps have been established, but Greek authorities are still struggling to cope with the number of frisky sapphists.

Hillary Jailed For Not Being Fun
"I enjoy fun," the candidate objected. "I both have fun and can be fun.  Fun is something I often have.  Furthermore, as indirect evidence of the fact that I have a fun disposition, I do not like things that are not fun.  I appreciate fun when I encounter it, and I have even been known to partake in activities that produce fun for myself and others." Hillary is Fun

Sooner or Later You Will Be Drugged and Raped by Bill Cosby
There is no way to avoid it.  "I found myself groggy on the floor," says long-time business associate Hugh Hefner, "with a mouth full of quaaludes.  The next thing I remember is being hustled into a taxi and driven half naked to the Playboy Mansion.  Which as far as I know is the same place I was drugged.  Oh wow, man."