Science Finds New Uses For Old People
They're slow. They're useless. They drive with their blinker on for hours. Caution is recommended because they possess a superpower known as Blab Attack, although it is easily combated by socking them in the jaw. Old people do have a sense of humor, but only after you explain the joke to them in painstaking detail, by which time they've already nodded off or started ranting about Hillary's emails.
Obama To Be Deported By Obama
"We are the only developed country," says President Obama, "that allows its citizens to own assault weapons. We sanction capital punishment. We lack a universal health care. The price of a college education is too high for our young people. Things are more civilized in Denmark."
With this remark, Obama took the hint and bought a plane ticket to Denmark for himself, his family, Bernie Sanders, and the other Democratic candidates.
Hordes of Wet Lesbos Overrun Greek Island
From Syria, by way of Turkey, mobs of butch bagel bangers and carpet munchers arrive in tiny dykey boats with their insatiable yearning to bump donuts. Makeshift refugee camps have been established, but Greek authorities are still struggling to cope with the number of frisky sapphists.
Hillary Jailed For Not Being Fun
"I enjoy fun," the candidate objected. "I both have fun and can be fun. Fun is something I often have. Furthermore, as indirect evidence of the fact that I have a fun disposition, I do not like things that are not fun. I appreciate fun when I encounter it, and I have even been known to partake in activities that produce fun for myself and others." Hillary is Fun
Sooner or Later You Will Be Drugged and Raped by Bill Cosby
There is no way to avoid it. "I found myself groggy on the floor," says long-time business associate Hugh Hefner, "with a mouth full of quaaludes. The next thing I remember is being hustled into a taxi and driven half naked to the Playboy Mansion. Which as far as I know is the same place I was drugged. Oh wow, man."
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